It’s me, your mama. It’s taken me almost 15 years to sit down and write to you both. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long. It’s not that I don’t think about you…I do. It’s just that for so many years when I did think about you, I got angry. Angry that you left me. I didn’t want to express that anger towards you, either of you, so I waited until I understood. Understood, that it wasn’t your fault–it was nobody’s fault. It was simply the way it was meant to be.
Lily, we first met in 2003, but only spent 12 weeks together. I was so thrilled to welcome you into my life! My joy was like none I had ever felt. I was over the moon that you had arrived!! And so was your Dad. Though we kept your arrival a secret, we immediately began making plans for you…where you would stay, who we would visit, and everything we would teach you. I took such good care of you, do you remember that? I fed you and made sure you got plenty of rest. And we talked! We talked all day long, and we talked every night…our secret talks that no one else heard. We bonded instantly. I loved you instantly. We were always together–inseparable. Until we weren’t. That horrible, horrible day that I found out you had left. You really surprised me! I wasn’t expecting you to leave–ever. I didn’t believe it when the ultrasound technician told me that you were gone. Devastated isn’t a strong enough word. I was suddenly alone again. By myself. Empty. I couldn’t stop questioning why you would leave. Was it something I had done? Did I hurt you in some way? Was it my fault??? Oh Lily! I wish we would have had more time together. I wish I could have been your mama on this earth, to hold you and kiss you. But it’s OK my sweet girl, I’m no longer angry or alone. Because you are with me. You never left entirely. You still exist in my cells, my heart and my soul. I love you Lily and we will always be together.
And Kate. My dear Kate. You came quickly and as such a surprise! I was so busy with your 1-year old brother Ryan, that I was caught completely off guard at your arrival! In fact, Ryan was the first person I told about you. I gleefully announced to him that he was going to be a big brother. I told your Dad that evening when he came home and our family of 3 cheered for you and loved you instantly. We lived in Amsterdam at the time, and I told all of my friends about you too. Everyone was so, so happy that you had joined us. You felt our love, didn’t you?? I gave you enough attention, right?? I know I didn’t give you as much rest as I could have, but life was so busy then. The day you left, I went numb. Ice ran thru my veins. I actually saw a picture of you, briefly, but it was only your body–your soul had already moved on. That’s the weird thing Kate, you left your body behind in my body. I kept wondering if you didn’t really mean to leave? If you were hanging on?? But it was me hanging on, wasn’t it? You knew you weren’t ready for this earth, but I couldn’t understand that. It took almost 2 more months for your body to leave mine. Excruciating isn’t a strong enough word. I did not want to let go. I fought so hard to keep you with me, but I know now that our time together was meant to be brief. It took me a very long time to get over losing you. Thankfully your brother, father and all our friends were there to help me. So Kate, thank you for our time together. Though fleeting, you live on in my mind, and in the minds of all who knew about you.
This isn’t goodbye my loves. This is a hello. A hello from down here to you both up there. Though our time together as one body was brief, our souls are forever intertwined. Let’s keep having our secret conversations, OK? I love you both so much.