What's KP Thinking?

I’m finally giving the Mrs. her own story,

’cause she don’t need no man!

We’re all familiar with Santa Claus and his list of names: Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Sinter Klaas, or simply Santa. We know he’s a legendary figure originating in Western Christian culture who brings gifts to the homes of well-behaved children on Christmas Eve.

We also know Dasher, and Dancer, and Comet, and Cupid…and the rest of the reindeer names because they have a whole song dedicated to them and their reindeer games.

But WTF is Mrs. Claus’s first name? What do we know about her? Who IS the woman behind the man of Christmas lore?

If you Google image search “Mrs. Claus”, your first 8,000 results are sexy Santa costumes, complete with mini skirts, fishnets, pleather boots, and corsets. Because I guess that’s what people think of when they think of Mrs. Claus–sex??

On the other hand, if you Google the “history of Mrs. Claus”, you’ll find images of a doting Grandmother, wearing a bonnet and apron baking cookies and feeding the Mr. as he readies for his one-and-only day of work all year.

(Because that’s how the patriarchy portrays women, as either sexy, or not sexy. That’s it. You’re either in your prime or past. Two dimensional. But I digress…)

Songs, stories, and movies are no better at offering in-depth clues as to who Mrs. Claus is. She’s only ever portrayed in relation to Santa. She’s his wife, his helper, his biggest supporter. She’s happy existing just to follow him around the workshop. She washes his suit, reads letters from children, cooks for him, loads the sleigh, but stays at home on Christmas Eve while he travels the world. She does all the grunt work, he gets all the glory. Sound familiar ladies?? This song from 1953 pretty much sums it up. Or this gem from 2014.

Well no more. It’s 2019 dammit–the supposed Year of the Woman (or at least someone shouted that to me from a megaphone at a Women’s March in January), and it’s time Mrs. Claus gets the attention, identity and backstory she deserves!

For starters, let’s name her. She’s had a smattering of names in movies and books over the years, but nothing stuck. So I’m choosing Carol. That’s her name. Done.

And now for the rest of her story…

Carol Claus was born in Cologne, Germany and was known to be a curious, empathetic, insightful child. She graduated top of her high school class, and received a full scholarship to Stanford University to study Environmental Engineering. Following an internship at the Environmental Defense Fund, she earned her Masters Degree in Environmental Studies from Wageningen University and Research Center in the Netherlands.

While living in the Netherlands she met Kris Kringle, a toy maker, childminder, and all around jolly guy. They dated on and off as she completed her advanced degree.

Upon graduation, she was recruited by numerous top-tier companies to consult in environmental health, but she declined them all. Her dream was to live in the North Pole and research the effects of global warming in the Arctic first-hand. So she packed up her life and made the move North, bringing Kris along with her.

Eventually, the two married and Kris took her last name, Claus. He also decided to change his first name to Santa at some point, but no one really knows why. Thus Santa Claus came to be. He kept up his toy making hobby, built a workshop and hired a bunch of elves–well you know the rest of his story.

To this day, Carol Claus spends her time conducting research and analyzing environmental data to eliminate sources of pollutants and hazards affecting the environment. She’s only ever had one intern that we know of–a fierce Swedish woman named Greta.

Carol tries to make it home for dinner every night, so she and Santa can share details of their day over a delicious meal he prepares. He fills her in on his tinkering and she shares her latest research findings from studying 3,000 year old sea ice. They’re both individually fulfilled and living their best lives, while also a happy, loving couple. As it should be my friends.

Now that we know who Carol is, the legend of Christmas is finally complete. Joy to the World–equality has come!