We’re now 5 months into the pandemic, and I’m taking stock. What has this time taught me? What has it brought out in me? How has it changed me? Is it even possible to be the same person on the other side of this thing? Let’s explore.
Inside My Home
Back in March, we were all told to go inside and stay inside for our own safety. At first it felt scary, but necessary. My family and I played puzzles, baked bread, hoarded toilet paper and Clorox, and downloaded Zoom. I found it almost a relief to take pause…to have an excuse to forgo all previous obligations. I could stop going to the gym, stop taking the kids to school and sports, stop going to dentist and ortho appointments, stop wearing makeup, bras, (anything other than pajamas really), stop going crazy with my over scheduled, overwhelming life. It was novel, almost cozy. And we all knew it would be over soon and we’d be back to “normal”.
Next came April. And I thought “OK, let’s power thru this month, and we’ll be in the clear.” I stayed hunkered down while sewing masks, donating to Feedingmerica.org, re-posting memes, and chuckling as my favorite late night TV hosts filmed from their living rooms. I was still planning our summer vacations, and booking kids in camps, because no way this thing was gonna last thru summer.
While the kids were in “Zoom school”, and my hubby worked from home all day, I starting finding my own online classes to take. Why not? Something to do beyond baking bread. I choose ones that looked interesting, like “Emotional Freedom Technique for Reducing Anxiety”, “How to Use a Pendulum for Answers”, “Honing Your Intuition”, and “Reiki Energy Healing”. I downloaded an online course called “You Can Heal Your Life” and watched videos by leaders in the field of spirituality and consciousness. I scheduled readings with an astrologer and a psychic. I joined an amazing women’s group called “Wake Up With Your Inner Goddess“. I had no master plan. I was exploring. Led only by my curiosity to learn new things. I was having fun while staying inside my home.
Inside My Head
Then May. We were still shelter in place, still inside our homes. But now I also found myself inside my head asking constant questions that had no answers. Why were cases of the virus going up, not down? Why were there so many deaths? Why were people choosing not to wear masks? Why was the U.S. not getting a handle on this thing? Who was in charge? Am I really living thru a global pandemic?? What the actual fuck was going on??? Was I supposed to be cancelling my summer plans?? Was this for real?? This virus was supposed to be gone by now—where’s the “back to normal” I was promised???
School ended the year online, with no grades. No graduations. Sports were canceled. My husband brought home a full size monitor, ergonomic chair, and printer/scanner to embellish his home office (and by office I mean the tiny space in our bedroom located directly between the bed and dresser.) He was no longer working from home–he was now living at work.
I was also still taking classes online and expanding my knowledge of energy work, angelic realms, past lives, metaphysics, meditation, and quantum healing. I learned new words like “Kundalini”, “Akashic Records”, “Ayurveda”, “Shamanic” and “Lightworker” to name a few. I read these books:
- A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
- Mary Magdalene Revealed: The First Apostle, Her Feminist Gospel & the Christianity We Haven’t Tried Yet
- Raising Your Vibration: 111 Practices to Increase Your Spiritual Connection
- Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World
- Why Are You Sick? Practical Tools for Wellness
- Essential Oils as Natural Remedies: The Complete A-Z Reference of Essential Oils for Health and Healing
- The Crystal Bible
- The Women’s Wheel of Life
- Ayurveda Beginners Guide: Essential Ayurvedic Principles and Practices to Balance and Heal Naturally
- The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need
I found myself studying these books and videos as if it were required of me. Like I was preparing for some final exam. I made a binder with printouts, took notes, and journaled. I meditated daily. I attended New Moon and Full Moon ceremonies online each month. I created an inspirational bulletin board, bought crystals, purchased more oracle decks, and started making my own essential oil sprays. The whole time quenching my thirst for this knowledge, feeding my craving for understanding, furthering my insistence that the questions in my head must have answers somewhere…
Next came June. It was officially summer and we were still officially screwed as a country. It was chaos. Some states reopened, some had never closed. Some required masks, some had protests about not wearing masks. One weekend beaches were open, the next they were closed. Some restaurants were open for outdoor seating only, others were packed with people eating and drinking. Some people believed scientists, others believed the President. The constant confusion, concern and unrest was fogging my brain. The more I tried to think of solutions the more perplexed I became.
I cancelled all summer plans. No annual camping trip with our friends from Oregon, no annual trip back to Michigan to see family, no road trip to Yellowstone National Park. I also cancelled the kid’s camps and our community pool membership. My city cancelled all of it’s summer plans as well…no July 4th Festival, no Concerts in the Park, no May Fete parade. Summer 2020 was a complete bust.
Since my calendar was now completely clear, I signed up to be certified in Reiki Energy Healing. I really didn’t give it much forethought–it was automatic in some way. The classes felt more like “remembering” than “learning”. The Reiki principles spoke directly to my heart. After completing levels 1 & 2 of Reiki certification, I knew energy healing was my path forward. It’s true that through chaos comes transformation, and I had found a way to transform my questions into answers. Without really knowing what I had been searching for since March, I had found energy healing. Or rather…energy healing had found me.
Inside My Soul
Throughout July I practiced Reiki Energy Healing on anyone and everyone who would let me…friends, neighbors, family, my cat, plants. And like the Universal Law says, the more I gave, the more I received. I received messages from my guides, my intuition heightened, I connected with spirits who had passed on, I made peace with my inner child. I literally manifested and experienced magic every single day. I had never felt so “in the flow” of life before. Everything felt effortless. So how was I doing all of this? What was I doing differently?
What I learned is that I didn’t “do” anything. In fact, I stopped “doing”, and started “being”. I took the time confined in my house and stuck in my head, and used it to go into my soul. It wasn’t easy. At times I wanted to quit. Wasn’t my “unenlightened life” so much easier?? But I found that once I woke up, it was impossible to go back to sleep. Though I couldn’t literally travel during this time, I could travel into the depths of my soul thru meditations, shamanic journeys, and past life regressions. I let go. I gave up control. I let the universe unfold at will. I stopped searching for answers outwardly, and instead looked inward. And guess what? All the answers were right there within me all along. I learned the only real life lesson there is: we are pure light and love. That’s all there is. Everything else is an illusion.
It’s now August. Covid rages on. There’s no end in sight. School’s about to begin again…online. We’re only half way thru 2020, which feels both too short and too long to be true. Days of the week are irrelevant. I’m letting my natural hair color grow in for the first time since high school. I stopped shaving my everything. My husband has a full beard. My kids now play video games 400 hours a day. The cat cannot figure out why we’re always home. I want all new furniture. The dishes are never ending. I miss my friends. I miss hugs.
But we’ve made it this far. We can and will get thru this historic pandemic. Because, really, what choice do we have? So if you need me, you’ll find me deep inside my soul, sending light & love to the whole world, and practicing Reiki on anyone and everyone who will let me. See ya on the other side!
I’ve never had an issue with voicing thoughts, jokes, opinions. My problem has been the authenticity behind my words. More specifically, the lack of authenticity. You see I know how to play to the room. I’m an expert at saying what everyone else is thinking. I’m so tuned in to the group dynamic that I can zero in on what will make the conversation flow, keeping everyone happy. To the outside eye, this makes me intuitive, understanding, and a great conversationalist. But to my insides, this is exhausting. It’s exhausting to take on the emotional well-being of an entire room. In order to focus on external cues, I’ve had to sacrifice internal cues. It’s impossible to keep up with both. And until this past year, I honestly had no idea I was functioning this way. Because this is how I was raised.
came with a diet “plan” in the box. It was something ridiculous like, eat 5 saltines with 1/4 cup cottage cheese in the morning, a peach for lunch with 1 oz of turkey meat, and a plain baked potato for dinner. What’s that, 500 calories at most? I can still taste the pills in my mouth…like chalky seaweed. I rotated between those pills and Dexatrim, because although Dexatrim killed my appetite it made my head buzz like a helicopter. I was still rail thin at a size 10. I remember being humiliated that my size was double digits. I also remember every time someone called me skinny I thought they were lying. I did not, could not, see it. I thought of myself as fat and ALWAYS needing to be on a diet. If I ever “splurged” and ate something “bad” I’d punish myself for days with exercise and by severely restricting food. Throughout this decade of my life, I never ate popcorn at the movies, ice cream on a summer day, cake at a Birthday party, or got fries with my meal. Some may think “Well done! Good self-control”. In hindsight all I can think is “How sad. How very sad”.
he absolute best thing about being pregnant?? No, not the miracle of life growing in my uterus you fool, the GUILT-FREE eating. I had been waiting for this my entire life. Oh my god! FINALLY it was socially acceptable for me to eat and gain weight. And gain it I did–50 lbs with my first pregnancy and 60 lbs with my second. I gave in to every craving, every hunger pain, every indulgence…for the sake of the baby of course.
therapy to learn to walk again. And finally, finally, finally, finally, stopped worrying about my weight. As I sit and type this, I’m a comfortable size 18/20. In the past year I’ve discovered myself . I’ve fallen in love with my body. I’ve made peace with food. I simply eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. Image that. Why it took me 40 years and a tragic accident to get here, I’ll never know. But no matter, I’m here now. Won’t you join me?
What's KP Thinking? 